What 18+ Years of Friendship Taught Me About Love, Grace, and Showing Up

Soooo..I’m not gonna lie. I don’t feel like an expert at this subject.
I’m actually pretty hard on myself when it comes to friendships because I feel like I’ve lost more than I’ve kept. But my most “successful” friendship? That’s with my bestie, Ashley.

Honestly, I think it’s *because* of Ashley that I’ve learned how to be a good friend to others. Our friendship has taught me so much about myself, about love, and about what it really takes to stay in someone’s life long-term.

People talk about marriages lasting 10+ years like it’s gold, but do you know how rare an 18-year friendship is?

And that’s wild because according to the American Perspectives Survey by the Survey Center on American Life, 61% of adults say close friendships are essential to living a fulfilling life…even more than marriage, children, or money*.

But even though we know friendships matter, we’re investing in them less (so strange to me).

Back in 1990, 33% of people reported having 10 or more close friends. By 2021, that number dropped to just 13%*.

So what’s happening?

I think we’re valuing friendship, but not always nurturing it.

And that’s part of why this friendship means so much to me. Because in a time where connection can feel so fragile, Ashley and I have kept showing up for each other, and for the friendship we’ve built over 18 years. We also do a pretty good job of showing up for our friendships outside of each other as well.

Ashley and I met when we were 14 through mutual friends and built our relationship from there. We went from friends by association to sisters through time, growth, and a whole lot of experience.

It took work.
It took intentionality, commitment, forgiveness, and genuine love. Here are some things that I’ve learned about keeping a strong friendship.

*Stats from the American Perspectives Survey (Survey Center on American Life, 2021)

Let Someone Be Themselves

I used to have this fantasy of how friendship should look.
I wanted our relationship to look like the besties in the movies! Slumber parties, secret handshakes, cute matching outfits. Basically, Mary-Kate and Ashley.
But we’re not them.
We’re **Te’Jal and Ashley** and that’s even better.

I had to learn to go with the flow of Ashley.

At one point, I really wanted her to be this “go-getter” entrepreneurial bestie so we could sharpen each other. But that’s not Ashley’s story.

And trying to make her fit that mold was an epic fail lmao.
It took me a while to fully accept who Ashley was and stop trying to change her. And when I did, I realized how much beauty there is in loving someone for exactly who they are.

Forgiveness & Grace Are Key

Ashley and I have disappointed each other before. But we never throw in the towel. We give each other grace.
We talk it out. We move forward.
We don’t keep score!

Can’t Nobody Tell You About Your Relationship but You

Everybody has an idea of what friendship should look like, but only you know what feels good and right.

There are so many different people in the world and a million ways to show up for someone but understanding what works for you guys is key. There have been a few times where people have shared how they feel our friendship should look and me and Ashley would be like…um nah that’s not us lmaaao

You Gotta Actually Like Your Friend

I really believe this is the key.
You can love someone and not like them and that’s where a lot of friendships go wrong.

When I look back at the friendships I’ve lost, I honestly feel like some of them didn’t even like me and maybe I didn’t like them either. I guess you have to be real with yourself.
We weren’t able to see the full versions of each other or simply didn’t mesh well.

But with Ashley?
We like each other.
We laugh. We check in. We hold space. We show up.

That’s why it’s been 18 years and counting babyyyyy!

What is the first favorite memory of us to come to mind?
A: Ok so this isn’t actually a good memory, but it is the first thing that popped into my head. One night, we were at my apartment getting ready to go out. We got into an argument about something and we started yelling at each other in the bathroom. There was another friend in the living room sitting there, awkwardly. By the time we got out of the bathroom, it was like it never happened. We don’t make it a habit to argue, but back when we did, it was usually in a bathroom lol

What’s something you wish people knew about me?
A: How open minded and genuine you are! I feel like people have the wrong idea about who you are in their heads and it’s really frustrating.

Give me 5 words to describe our friendship!

A:
FOREVER
Genuine
Rare
Safe
Ours

Who in my life would you smack? Lmao!
A: There were 3 people who came to mind immediately. We’ll go with the third. This person is irrational, a jerk, and a whole dumbass. Unfortunately, you cannot get rid of them, so slapping them would be a great consolation prize.

Which spot was your favorite for us to hang out at?
A: This was hard because there were two places that came to mind. Firwood, junior year of college was so fun!! We were really living our best lives with food stamps, game nights with friends, salacious adventures (not with each other)...it was great. And then in the more recent past, Conifer. I feel like Conifer was us, me, Tej, and Luke, becoming a bigger family with Jamaal, his daughters, and his friends.

Don’t you just love her answers?? 😭 We answered these and then showed each other our answers and realized we both put down bathroom memories lol

I too answered these questions for Ashley! You can check them out on her own blog about what she’s learned from our friendship. Check it out here!

We’re Going LIVE!

Because real friendship takes effort. It means choosing each other even when it’s not convenient, even when life gets loud and hard. Join us for a fun conversation and bring your bestie!

If you can’t join us, make sure you come back and I’ll put the episode here after we post it!

Until next time,

Tej<3